I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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