Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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