she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
