So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
