could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
