Michael Bay diarrhea
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
