Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
