It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
