Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
