I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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