Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
