Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
