It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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