So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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