Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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