i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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