cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
