mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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