I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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