I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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