why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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