You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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