I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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