Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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