Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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