I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
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I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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