So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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