Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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