so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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