Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
