Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
