i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it because I queefed?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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