Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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