Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
