I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
