I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
