awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
