I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
