Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
