That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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