I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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