so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
