Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
