I cannot find my penis.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i've created a new STD.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
