I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
