now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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