I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
