I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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