i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
