Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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