I wish I could punch you in the face.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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