and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
last night I used snow as a chaser
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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