im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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