theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
