why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
there was a trapeze. enough said
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
