Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
