i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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