Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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