I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So much rum. So many feels.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
