Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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